We humans are funny creatures. We rarely understand each other, and often don’t even have a clue about ourselves – mostly because we don’t dig deep enough, for a dozen reasons…namely fear and insecurity.
I spend a lot of time in self-reflection. It’s just my personality type. But, even still, there are things I avoid admitting to myself.
Now, add the dynamic of two people. Two personality types. More things on which to self-reflect, and now speculation becomes part of the equation. Now, rather than being mainly concerned about ourselves…we become intensely concerned with someone else – and their perception of us.
Add the dynamic of three…and you end up with Henry and June…Vicky Christina Barcelona…Fling. Loads of messy complication. I’m not saying it can’t work…because it can. But here, in my humble opinion, is how it works.
Person A and Person B must both be completely emotionally solid. Neither can have trust issues (even irrational ones they can logically wrap their head around – if they exist…there is no ignoring them). Both must be interested in the addition of a third. Both must be in on the selection of the third. Both must be in constant communication about how having a third will impact them. Both must be concerned about Person C. Person C must be accepting of Person A’s and Person B’s established ground rules. If Person A AND Person B are to be involved with Person C…there must be continual open-dialogue about the shifting dynamics. If Person A will be with Person C, but Person B will not, once again…there must be continual open-dialogue about the shifting dynamics. And everyone must be prepared for the cards to become unstable or fall.
After all, we’re talking about people here. And we are heavily emotional beings.
I’ve learned a lot about myself the last week or so. And after a very cathartic, rather spiritual sexual encounter with Mr. LL last night – after tears and much unwilling disclosure – I have emptied myself of much pent up anxiety and fear.
And I’ve admitted a few things to myself. Things I’m not sure I completely knew about myself…or at least I was ashamed of it enough that I buried it:
I’m seriously and irrationally jealous when I don’t know where I stand.
I need Mr. LL to be more in command of me than he is.
I have an irrational fear of loss.
I do not trust other women…especially when it comes to my husband.
I feel guilty about all of this.
I fear being resented for not allowing Mr. LL his sexual freedom.
I fear resenting him if I do.
I love Mr. LL in a painful sort of “I cannot breathe without you” sort of way…though I truly don’t see it being a co-dependent sort of thing – more a heavily spiritual one.
Something broke in me last night. And maybe not in a bad way.
Mr. LL let me read (as is our usual practice) an email exchange between himself and A. (a prospective “Person C’/2nd sub”). I freaked out, to say the least…but it’s not my irrational, crazy reaction to a pretty innocuous letter that is important…it’s Mr. LL’s reaction to my freak out and my reaction to his requests. In the past…a few beers in…pissed off…I’d slam a door, walk away, say something intentionally hurtful. I’d lash out or close down. He would’ve pressed the issue…cornered me. It would have ended badly. Not that we fight often, because we really don’t. I can count them – the real ones – on one hand. But they were epic. And stupid.
No, last night – the scene played out so differently. And it had everything to do with our changing (or should I say, blossoming) power dynamic. He’s always been dominant…but it is only recently that we have put a name to it – taken on roles – started exploring and defining our places and expectations. My first perception was that his dominance would simply be to take me roughly and powerfully during sex.
But, as anyone with any experience with D/s already knows – that isn’t what it is about. And I’m coming to terms with that in a really eye-opening, soul-searching way. I’m learning more about myself and my husband that I every thought possible.
So, back to the “freak out”…
Mr. LL stopped me, calmly. I had jumped off of the couch, physically removing the item that had elicited this immediate reaction of jealousy and anger. He stopped me, and rather than arguing or walking away. I stopped. I breathed in and out slowly and deeply. It was a definite flight or fight moment – much deeper probably than the email I read warranted, but the email was simply a symbol of something eating at me from within. And it chose that particular time to take a painful bite that sent me reeling. With the wisdom and patience of an expert, he asked just the right questions to begin extracting the truth from me. And rather than clam up and refuse, I tried. I sought the words that were willing to come, and I gave them to him – eventually collapsing in his lap in tears.
When we went to bed, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I just wanted to curl up and sleep and forget the entire conversation. But, that is the problem with moments like this…they can’t be swept under the rug. They’re out there…forever.
He crawled in beside me and turned me toward him for a good night kiss…and my entire body suddenly cried out for him…with a frightening need. I was powerless to it and I began to devour his lips and tongue hungrily.
He fucked me…not in the “hey, baby, this is great fun” sort of way…but rather in the “this act is sustenance and breath and life and faith” sort of way.
Four or five body shattering orgasms in a row after such an intense exploration of my soul – putting it all on display – basically baring every little weakness and therapy issue I have – can do that to a person.
When I came, it unleashed a flood of emotion, and my body filled with a numbing opium-like euphoria.
Mr. LL knew what would happen as a result. I had just hit a deep low, followed directly by an intense high, the obvious reaction would be to drop again, once the endorphins slowed.
This morning…I did just that. But, sitting in a pool of lethargy and depression, I had an epiphany…I realized that I want more from our D/s relationship. And no, I don’t want to be the kind up sub that A. promises to be. But, I have yet to define the kind I want to be…yet to have Mr. LL show me the kind I can be. I need to be his focus. And though I feel in my blood how cherished and loved and wanted I am – my new role daily exposes new and unknown insecurities. Of course I process them and come out the other side a stronger person for it…which is a major benefit of the D/s relationship….Mr. LL is a perfect Sir in that regard – constantly pushing me to be better for myself, to open myself, to know myself so that he can truly and completely own me. And while that might sound needy and sad to some, I’m hoping my audience here can understand that kind of need…that kind of healing exposure to another person. (I have to say…and I will have to explore this in future post…I wonder what the dom gets out of – because it seems unfair that the sub gets all the guidance and leadership and catharsis.)
I’m an only child…raised by a military father. We don’t discuss our feelings. We bury shit. We carry on. We face life and trust no one. We support ourselves and rely on ourselves and find weakness in those who do not.
And maybe that is why I resist my own nature so avidly. Because it goes against so much of what I have been taught.
Mr. LL is slowly stripping away years of indoctrination. He’s had to do it before – force me to see that my perceptions were horribly wrong and that to be healthy I would have to expose myself and ask for someone’s help.
Right now…that is what I am doing…to him. Exposing myself and asking for his help. Asking for him to guide me. Asking for him to focus all of his energy on me. On my knees.
I am ready to give myself completely. And I guess I have to thank A. for that. Without her presence…the implications of her entrance into our relationship, I don’t think I would have come so quickly to this conclusion. I don’t think I would have faced my insecurities in such a blunt and cathartic fashion.
I am truly sorry that she may have been hurt in this. I find myself thinking…if only we had met her years down the road, when I was comfortable and my role as a sub clearly defined. But, alas…life doesn’t work like that. And really…it’s her presence now that is the blessing. I thank her for that.
And I thank you…readers…for reading and supporting and experiencing this transformation with me. My up-and-down, bipolar reactions to the world of sex (hell, the world in general) are confusing enough to me – so I can only imagine how crazy I must look to people who don’t even know me. One day I write about how I can’t wait to try something. Two days later I write about how it repulses me. A month or two down the line, I’m addicted to it.
I guess I could apologize for that. But then, it’s who I am. And it’d be a shame to apologize for being myself- neuroses, therapy issues and all.
Next up…that long overdue letter to A. I will be emailing her – but I plan to post it here, too. She is worth it. And she deserves to be told. Mr. LL will be speaking with her in person to be sure that she understands this is about me, our relationship…not her.
Click HERE to link to the related “”Dear Sir,” post.